UPTAKES

done, done, done! it wasn’t fantastic, but i did my job, and i think, all things considered, it went down pretty well. so here it is, this thing i put together for this thing that i had to do early today. and, oh, it goes to the caterpillar who pulled and kept me together while i almost broke down at the bus stop this morning. (i was already 15 minutes late, it was raining like it never rained before, all the cabs were hired, and it was perhaps one of the most important things i had to do this term.)

“i know it’s all very general, but i was given 10 minutes, so it was hard to deal with specifics.”

i’m not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love but to you i gave my affection right from the start i have a lover who loves me how could i break such a heart yet still you get my attention why do you come here when you know i’ve got troubles enough why do you call me when you know i can’t answer the phone make me lie when i don’t want to and make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool you make me stay when i should not are you so strong or is all the weakness in me why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by when i mean to see you and i mean to hold you tightly feeling guilty worried waking from tormented sleep this old love has me bound but the new love cuts deep if i choose now i’ll lose out one of you has to fall and i need you and you why do you come here when you know i’ve got troubles enough why do you call me when you know i can’t answer the phone and make me lie when i don’t want to and make someone else some kind of an unkowing fool you make me stay when i should not are you so strong or is all the weakness in me why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by when i mean to see you and i mean to hold you tightly

the image of a fence sitting girl has long been on my mind. i think it has to do mostly with my fascination with fence sitting, a term and concept often seen as a negative thing. i understand why the term is loaded with negative connotations. for one, not taking a side usually translates to being indecisive, to not having a backbone, to being a coward. it is also often seen as a sign of apathy or indifference or flakiness. to some, not taking a side suggests a particular brand of opportunism where the fence sitting person is actually waiting for the majority decision before she makes her own. and, finally, on a more practical level, not taking a side simply means not getting things done; it means inefficiency, ineffectiveness.

there is another kind of fence sitting, however, which i think does not mean any of the things above. it’s the one where a person does not take a side, because she wants time and space to make sense of the different positions laid out before her. it means exploring possibilities and alternatives, and not settling with an either/or position simply because it is what people in general demand. it means not being carried away by the strong currents of popular opinion. it means being brave and bold to stay in the middle, even if it means getting hit by the traffic coming from both sides. ultimately, i think it is about looking at and examining different truths and realities, and weighing them–constantly weighing them, because truths and realities are never fixed. they are always contingent on the circumstances surrounding them and which they have, in fact, also created.

thus, the image of the fence sitting girl.

i picture a young girl, sitting on a fence, legs spread apart, knees jutting out to two different directions, trying mightily hard not to fall off. i see her hair up in a ponytail, her uncomfortable body in a crisp white shirt and torn, fading jeans, and her face attempting what looks like a smile. she fishes out a cigarette from somewhere, lights it, inhales, lets the smoke out, and her eyes follow its billows in the air. the image stops here, because if i continue, she falls off to one side or the other, perhaps tired of the balancing act, or maybe because of a cramp, or blown away perhaps by a particularly strong wind or, maybe, on her own volition, realizing nothing will happen if she stays there. i don’t like seeing that girl, so young and fresh, fall off. i want her to stay on the fence, no matter how uncomfortable it gets, basking in her youth and freshness.

i just saw the reunion show of the project runway season 2 cast. god, the show was hilarious. i was laughing the whole time and wishing the show wouldn’t end (this despite a really terrible headache and some eye-twitching on the side). i didn’t know the season 2 designers were so funny, funnier even than the season 1 designers, until i saw the show. all the while, i thought they were rather grim and hardcore, based on the episodes i saw, which, for some reason, always had santino ranting and talking back to the judges. also, in the episodes i saw, the designs were rather lame compared to the season 1 creations. i realized i didn’t see the episodes where the designers were having fun and the designs were actually awesome (i have to say kara saun, jay, and austin still rule, though!).

i didn’t see all the episodes, because when season 2 started airing here in singapore, i left for the philippines to do my field work–yes, school always gets in the way. hehe. at that time, season 2 was actually airing in the philippines, on discovery travel and living, i think; however, i was never really home to see the show. when i got back here, the season was almost at its end–thus, the reunion show. it’s a real bummer not to have seen so many episodes, but at least, i’ll get to see the last two shows. and of course, olympus fashion week. yay! by the way, season 3 has started airing, too, and this time, i’m updated. all i can say is thank god for youtube.

coming back to the reunion show, i really loved the montage where the designers, santino and nick especially, were singing ala broadway. they were singing about daniel f, who i think at that time just got eliminated, and the possibility of his returning for season 3. (daniel f could be quite creepy. when he was asked if he would return for season 3, he said he just might, then he said, ‘i love you, heidi.’ heidi, i think, tried very hard to keep a straight face. that was just weird.) aside from that musical montage, santino’s spiel/tim gunn impersonation ‘what happened to andrae?’ was just brilliant. santino basically created this story about tim gunn and andrae having some kind of affair, and it was just crazy, especially when footage of tim gunn asking after andrae was shown as santino was narrating the so-called affair. there was also footage of daniel v bending over with laughter and chloe laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes while this was going on.

but the best really was andrae’s montage. i had always thought he was rather volatile and overly expressive. for example, in one of the episodes i saw, zulema asked for a walk-off, which, well, evoked a lot of different emotions from the designers, but the expression on andrae’s face was priceless: his mouth opened real wide, and his eyes went wild, and it was like that for a long time he looked just a little bit insane. in the reunion show, they showed a montage of andrae with all these crazy expressions on his face. apparently, the camera captured each and every one of them. hehe. then there was the clip of his meltdown at the runway that lasted for about 10 minutes. i read somewhere he had a meltdown, but i didn’t know it lasted that long. the judges obviously didn’t know how to react to him and, i think, they weren’t sure if it was for real. heidi actually pointed that out; she said that since andrae was from los angeles, they weren’t sure whether it was real or he was just acting. i don’t have any opinion on that. all i know is the last thing he said (very tearfully) sort of touched me: ‘i know it’s just clothes, but it’s also my life.’ god, i love andrae. he’s just so funny.

i’m really excited to see the final show. originally, i was unhappy with santino being part of the final 3 (i had wanted nick), but after seeing the reunion show, i thought it’s just right that he’s part of the finale, because he makes good tv. thing is i never really liked santino’s designs. they’re too out there for me. but i’m not really a fashion person, so what do i know, right? oh well. anyway, i’m looking forward to seeing chloe’s and daniel v’s collection.