UPTAKES

done with my qualifying exams finally. this afternoon, i did the oral defense of my research proposal, which was the third and final component of the series of exams i had to go through so i could go on with the program. i was such a nervous wreck before, during, and even after the defense–such a wreck that if my supervisor had burned her fingers, it would have been totally my fault. but anyway, going back, i think, despite my being a wreck, the defense went pretty well. i did my little powerpoint presentation, was asked some questions, and got some very useful and valuable feedback. i also realized this afternoon that the really serious work is just beginning and there’s just so much of it that needs to be done.

basically, my panel told me to ditch one component of my proposal, the component i’m familiar with, the one i’ve been trained in, the one i’ve worked so hard for over the last few years of my life, and just focus on the other, the component that i don’t really know how to do and i’m just actually beginning to get some handle on. i know what has motivated this advice, of course: the other component is really the more interesting one, the one that has potential to be, well, groundbreaking (which i’ve been told over and over is one of the basic minimum requirements for phd level work). naturally, it’s also the more difficult direction to take, especially since it’s not really the kind of thing i’m used to doing.

actually, i sort of knew this would come up in the defense. and i knew, at some point, i would have to move out of my comfort zone. i told my panel as much. i told them the direction they were leading me to was just too much of an unknown territory, and i was actually terrified to be going there. one of them said that if i didn’t want to go there to begin with, i wouldn’t have made it part of the proposal at all. the two others assured me it was part of the whole process, and most everybody would go through the same thing. i guess there’s no postponing it now.

i really started out thinking that after my proposal defense, i’d be out celebrating and i’d just be happy it was over. okay, i did celebrate. i went out and had a really nice (and cheap too!) pizza and pasta dinner in this out-of-the-way hawker place on alexandra road, which my flatmates recently discovered. and, okay, i’m happy it’s over. at least for now. see, that’s the thing: i’m just too aware of the fact that very soon i’ve to start working again that i can’t relax.

i guess i just couldn’t help but remember and compare what i did after i passed my ma proposal defense. i was out until the wee hours of the morning, happily getting smashed and not at all concerned about the work ahead. my pizza and pasta dinner, though i enjoyed it very much, seems to pale in comparison. then again, i haven’t been drunk (tipsy, yes, but that’s different) in almost a year, so maybe something else is going on. i’m thinking it must be because i’m much older now, and thus:

1. i’m more serious about work and actually invested in what i do (hee!)
2. i’d rather spend my time having a nice, quiet dinner than getting drunk senseless and making a fool myself
3. recovering from hangovers has become quite a feat, so it’s better to avoid occasions leading to such
4. i tire rather easily now
5. i’d rather youtube and widen my horizons

i think i can give a few more consequences of aging, but long story short: oh, the few years it takes for wild child to turn to old lady. which is another story and totally not the point of this post, and i don’t really know how i got there, so to get back on track:

i was telling my flatmates earlier that it was just so anti-climactic. i’d been waiting for this moment the whole semester. when it finally happened, it didn’t really feel as if i accomplished very much. it felt like it was just a thing i had to do, and i did it, and now, i’d have to move on to other things. oh, i don’t know. what was i expecting anyway? qualifying exams are really just that after all: something one has to go through, so one can move on to the real deal. and the real deal will be tough. so i might as well stop agonizing over this and spend my energies reconciling with the fact that there’s no going back now.

i learned a few days ago that one of my most favorite people at the fc and in the world has passed away. a friend who had been to the fc called and told me about it. it was such a sad moment when i found out, but, even as my eyes watered, i also knew everything was alright. it was her time to go, so she went. she was that kind of person.

i was never in any of her classes, so i didn’t really know how she was like as a teacher. all i knew about her when i was a student was that 1) she taught very early in the morning, 7-8.30 and 8.30-10 american literature courses; 2) she was a very good teacher; and 3) she was tough and strict and unforgiving. her hair which was in a perennial bun and her no-nonsense demeanor further reinforced this perception. i guess it wouldn’t be a surprise if i say i was terrified of her.

my first real interaction with her was when i applied to the decl for a teaching position. she was part of the 9-member panel that interviewed me for the job. i remember i was already nervous and afraid before i got sent into the ‘inner sanctum’ (this was how we called the chair’s office and adjoining conference room inside the decl office). when i saw her in the panel, i became even more nervous, even more afraid, if that was at all possible.

looking back now, however, i think she was perhaps the kindest member of that panel. she asked me what the last book i read was and whether i liked it or not. i don’t really remember what i said, but i remember she was smiling at me when she asked that question and was nodding her head as i responded. i remember this quite clearly, because it struck me as weird that she was being so nice. in fact, i even thought that, maybe, it was a trick question. i realize now that, in that interview, she was being the person that she was, not the person i thought she was like.

i mean, undoubtedly, she was one hell of a good teacher. she was also obviously tough and strict and unforgiving as a teacher, especially to particular kinds of students. but i also found out that she was one of the kindest, sweetest women one could possibly get to know. she was also sensible and strong and fiercely independent. she had an awesome sense of humor and fantastic timing. she loved to laugh, and she did with so much joy.

i remember when i saw her in july. she said she was glad that i always visited whenever i was home. then she said she was glad to see me, because she was afraid that, the next time i visited, she wouldn’t be around anymore. i told her that, of course, she would always be around, and we would definitely see each other again when i returned in december. it makes me sad knowing that i’m not going to see her when i return home, but i also know that all’s well. she was ready to go, so she did. she was that kind of person.

so i found out some things have changed on the philippine idol front, and a friend has said they’re all for the good. the airing of the shows has moved from a sat-sun to a sun-mon night schedule. the voting period has been cut down to two hours from what used to be a 24-hour event. there are also guest judges who are said to be tougher and more critical than the resident judges. and thanks to all these changes, jeli mateo and ken dingle have now been eliminated, to which, yay, but then again, not! i’m just so over philippine idol by now it doesn’t matter anymore (and as i say this, all my friends nod and say, ‘about f&@%ing time too!’).

i guess it can be likened to being in a relationship that has been so bad for a long time that even if things have started getting better, you find yourself not caring, because, really, you’ve moved on. it’s like you wake up one morning, and you think, ‘it just can’t go on anymore.’ and so you break if off. and while you think that maybe you have been harsh and cruel in your decision, because things, after all, are getting better, you know that no matter the good now, it just can’t outweigh the bad before, so, really, it’s the right thing to do. then you close your eyes. then you breathe. in the case of philippine idol, that would be your ears flapping to thank you for finally stopping the additional damage you’ve been inflicting on them.

indeed. so here’s a new style and layout to my blog and a new title, too. the first time i posted here, it was really just on a whim and i didn’t really think i’d be able to post again, so what i did was i skimmed through the blog-building process, chose the design with the color that was closest to purple (my default color, because, i think, of lavenders, which i love), and used the first title that came to mind. when i found myself posting again, and then again, i had thought of revamping the whole thing. i realized the purple color wasn’t exactly the kind of purple i wanted, and the title was just, well, like the title of so many other blogs and articles and whathaveyous circulating online. (don’t get me wrong; i still like the whole ‘aimless wanderings’ idea, because, really, that’s what i do, but i also thought maybe i should try a little harder in coming up with a title.) never got a chance to do any revamping though, because i’d been totally swamped with work and school stuff.

now that i’m done with my comprehensive exams (yay!) and the writing of my thesis proposal (double yay!), i told myself i better start changing a few things here and there, before i start drowning again. i mean, it’s a bit quiet now, but i still have an oral defense to prepare for–and dread and agonize over–and final papers to check. i also have exam duties and some paperwork to do before i can take off, and, of course, christmas shopping, which can take a huge amount of time and energy. (i like pretending i don’t like christmas shopping–you know, i try to make it seem like it’s a chore or a duty, or when i say ‘christmas shopping,’ i sort of roll my eyes–but it’s hard, because i really do–in the i-smile-and-get-really-excited-when-i-think-about-it kind of way.) so, anyway, now that i still have some time to spare: this blog is gonna get totally made over!
my choice of this new layout and design is based primarily on the name of this style: sunburned. no, not because i’m in a very hot country where i get sunburned every time i leave the house (over the last few weeks, about five people commented that my skin was getting darker, to which i didn’t really know how to reply, so i just said, yeah, i guess so). it’s also not because i like getting all tanned up, because, yikes, no (for some reason, this reminds me of people with really bad fake tan they look orange). i guess it’s really just because i thought the name was cute, and it matched very well with the dashes of red and the various shades of (coffee with milk) brown on the page. also, and i think this is important, my horoscope today said i should add more reds and browns to my wardrobe. yes, seriously. i immediately thought, why not to my blog as well?! hehe.

as for the new title, ‘uptakes’ is taken from one of the books i was required to read for my second comprehensive exam. i know i complained a lot about a lot of stuff on my reading list, but not about this one. i guess it’s one of those books i’m just happy i got to read whatever the circumstances may be of why i came to read it. i suppose i’ve to thank the members of my panel for that. anyway, the term just really points to how language is all a matter of uptake–that is, person a puts forth something, and person b takes it up. the logical conclusion is that, after this exchange, person a and person b arrive at an understanding. but it’s not really all that simple. first off, there is no guarantee that person b will take up whatever person a said; it’s also not guaranteed that person b will take up what person a said in the manner that person a intended. or it’s possible that person b, even if s/he understood what person a said in the intended manner, would refuse to take it up, simply because s/he could.

underlying all these then is the fact that the discursive field in which people engage and interact is often already stratified. when people enter discourse, they don’t enter a blank space; rather, they enter a place already filled with all kinds of inscriptions and attributions that privilege some participants and limit others. moreover, people themselves are rarely in equal or symmetrical relations; they know this, and they act accordingly. so person b, for instance, refuses to accept what person a is saying, because s/he deems it unacceptable, and s/he can make that judgment, because s/he has the authority to decide on what’s acceptable or not. put this way then, ‘uptake’ becomes a site of contention, of power struggle.

i know these aren’t exactly new ideas. i think most everybody knows that the world we live in is unfair, and there are rich people and poor ones, and all sorts of classifications that put people in place. but my joy in all these, my excitement, lies in how a certain term, something actually quite common, becomes something else entirely, because someone chose it and used it to make sense of a phenomenon that is so obvious and yet so difficult to grasp. what i love about all these is how something is explained to me in such a way that it becomes more illuminating of what i already know–such that the knowledge i have actually becomes (and feels) brand new.

so ‘uptakes’ it is. i have to make it clear though: i didn’t choose the term to turn this blog into a site of power struggle and/or whatever else i said above. i decided to use it, because i just really like the term, and it sort of applies, i think, in the sense that, ‘here’s my uptake, will you take it up?’ bwahahaha. the author of the book would probably kill me if he found out i ever used his term/concept this way. it’s a good thing he never would.
in closing, i was just thinking if i really needed to think so much about this whole revamp thing, and if i really had to subject you to the process. then, i realized, for some time now, all i’ve been doing is trying to explain and justify every piece of data, every theoretical framework, every methodology, every little thing that i intend to include in my research project. so maybe it’s carried itself over to other aspects of my life as well. you may just want to indulge me a little bit then.

p.s. okay, i just had to do it. the old title of this blog would just have to have its place somewhere in here. i guess i’m lucky there’s such a thing as subtitles. hehe. then i had to add some synonymous phrases for balance, because having just one phrase up there kind of looked sad.